All hail the Bluths!
(The Strokes – Juice Box)

So I’ve been toying with the idea of changing my name. After so many years of being teased as the kid with the girl’s name, I’ve had enough. Ok, I’m actually not that serious about changing my name but if I was, it would have to be something grand like Magnus or Maximus (Max for short). Or it could be something obscure and unique like Yevgeny. Or how about something hip and new-age like iShake or eJones.
...

My sister just came back from the great north for the holidays. She spends most of the year up north teaching science, math and English to the natives. She told me that she recently had a chance to eat some moose meat and some Canada geese meat. I told her she should’ve went for the Canadian animals trifecta and have some beaver as well. I think the oddest thing I’ve ever eaten is BBQ’s chicken feet at dim sum. It actually tasted pretty good. Which goes to show that you should never judge the feet by the wrinkly toes and sharp talons. Do chickens have talons?

Muffin the Reindeer

Muffin the Reindeer Part 2

Spoilerific

Jolly Good
ZZ Top – Sharp Dressed Man

Unless you’ve got crazy magnifier eyes, or a magnifying glass, you may need to click on the comic above to read it. I’d tell you what it’s about but I don’t want to spoil it for you.

‘Tis the season to be blogging. I’ve been away for much too long. I’m not even going to bother apologizing because I don’t think anyone reads this anymore. I will say though, this winter might be one of the coldest winters I’ve had in my life, bar none. Actually, bar one. There was this one winter back in the 80s when I was a wee lad and we lived in Saskatchewan. It was so cold that my tongue stuck to the monkey bars in the school playground. Luckily my little sister had snowshoes on and could run like the wind. I wish I was there to here that conversation with the school janitor.

Sis – "My brother's tongue is stuck to the monkey bars outside!"
Janitor – "I'm guessing you’re the smart one in the family."
Sis – "Actually, I am. We’ll need warm water, some hot chocolate and cookies, STAT!"

...

The only thing I wanted for xmas this year was for my show (Arrested Development) to be saved and it seems as though Santa has made good this year. ABC & Showtime are apparently looking to pick up the series right after FOX cancels the show. If you haven't seen this show yet, pick up the dvd’s from Best Buy and watch the first 3 episodes. You’ll be hooked. The funniest damn show on tv, ever.

...

This just in...

Teaching Intelligent Design is unconstitutional.

I heard the lawyers for the school board members argued that the jury was still out on "science".

...

Sonia will be spending xmas in Japan so it looks like a lonesome xmas for me :( If you’re bored and you’ve got the crime, I’ve got the inclination.

Have a Merry Christmas and a safe holiday season everyone.

He's Made a Huge, Tiny Mistake
(Metric - Hustle Rose)

Bush Takes Fresh Shot at Iraq War Critics

Bush - "Only one person manipulated evidence and misled the world — and that person was Saddam Hussein,"

Holy crap, that's gotta be the longest crack high I've ever seen!

They've Made a Huge Mistake
(Gorillaz - El Manana)

I just found out that FOX is planning to cancel Arrested Development and I can't help but cry like a little girl. Here's a show that is just head and shoulders above every comedy on tv today and somehow FOX cannot seem to market it to its seemingly mass of stupid viewers. And the writers of Arrested Development have snuck in some comments into their shows alluding to this very fact -- "Why are we going after this stupid demographic anyhow?" I'm convinced that the show is just too clever for the average FOX viewer.

I'm also convinced that Bill O'Reilly has something to do with the cancellation. Maybe Bill couldn't stand the left-wing humour. Maybe Bill couldn't stand that they mentioned his name on the show. Damn you Bill O'Reilly! Seriously, is there a more righteous sounding prick on TV these days?

Well hopefully another network picks up AD and runs with the show. As for FOX, they're officially on my boycott list.

When Idiots Attack
(The Killers - All These Things That I've Done)

Toilet Lawsuit

Seriously, the US really needs to get a grip on these litigations. It's just a colossal waste of the judicial time.

This reminds me of the McDonald's lawsuit where the lady sued the company for making their coffee TOO HOT.

"I may have been clumsy and spilt the coffee on my groin but did you have to make it so damn hot? Coffee isn't suppose to be THAT HOT!"

I wish we could sue these people for being idiots because they cause me mental anguish.

The Poor Cute Little Kids
(Death Cab For Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhatten)

Khiem: I have a coworker that might rival ***** and *** in cheapness
she doesn't buy halloween candy for the kids
they just close the lights and pretend that they're not home
every year
they CHOOSE to cheat the kids
Garry: hey, i do that
hahaha
Khiem: :|
Garry: i'm just too lazy
Khiem: the poor kids man
the POOR KIDS!
Garry: halloween is so frickin annoying
doesn't even make sense
Khiem: it doesn't make sense to us
but the kids
the cute little kids
Garry: i'd much rather celebrate the other artificial holiday, Valentine's... at least i'm giving to the one i love instead of having to get up every 5 minutes to answer the door
Khiem: the poor cute little kids
you're failing to see the point
it's not about you
it's about the poor cute little kids
emphasis on poor
Garry: poor cute little kids?
umm.. poor little cute kids wouldn't have nice costumes on.. they'd be draped in a garbage bag
some people give out more candy based on the quality of costume...
that's like giving out MORE treats to the RICHER kids
how does that make sense?
Khiem: yeah...but I'm sure we can reason that xmas doesn't make sense either
presents from some fat white guy?
come on!
but the point is...it makes the kids happy
Garry: yeah, but i'd rather donate to needy charities and toys to under-priviliged kids than the rich brats in my neighbourhood
maybe if i lived in the ghetto, i'd give out more candy to kids
Khiem: kids are kids
I'm sure you weren't an angel
your parents probably gave you a car for halloween
and you can't give out candy?
come on!
Garry: never said i deserved the candy either
Khiem: yeah...but you liked it
and now you're jipping other kids
Garry: if i could, i'd leave it out there so they can serve themselves
but we all know that these POOR LITTLE CUTE KIDS would take it ALL
Khiem: hahaha
they would
Garry: sorry, the FIRST poor little cute kid
and leave nothing for anyone else
i have no problem with giving...
just don't make me do it on a specified day... and don't make me do it 50 times, up and down my friggin stairs
Khiem: you're just lazy
once a year
Garry: if they could all group together and come at once, that'd be great
Khiem: once a year
Garry: i'll just buy a boatload of candy and throw it off my roof
it'll be like raining candy!
Khiem: you should invent a candy dispensing machine that fingerprints each kid and gives them candy
no duplicates allowed!
Garry: and any fingerprints that are adult size get rejected
anyway, luckily, i live in a young trendy area with no families or kids...
i got zero trickortreaters last night
Khiem: I had maybe 10 rings
that's not that bad
but seriously...once a year...do it for the kids!
Garry: bah humbug... i'd rather sponsor a child in africa
Khiem: korea
annyong
do it
Garry: haha
we should do it when we incorporate
good corporate image
:$
Khiem: yeah...none of us drink coffee anyhow
it only costs a coffee a day!
Garry: then we can motivate ourselves cause then his livelihood would depend on our success!
Khiem: and keep us from drinking coffee!
damn that caffeine!
Garry: and we can write it off!
Khiem: this conversation is so wrong
Garry: i know
hahaha
that's what makes it so good
Khiem: the poor cute little kids!
Garry: i'll just give out candy to random kids on the street
see.. but then they won't take it cause they'll be cautious coming from a stranger
but they have no problem ringing my doorbell all night long asking for it from my own private home
Khiem: but a stranger in his own home...that's ok
cuz you own a home
you have to be a pretty responsible stranger to own a home
I'd take candy from a home owner over a street thug any day
Garry: haha.. every thug has to go home sometime
Khiem: yeah...that's where they should give out candy
not on the streets...that's creepy
this is why Santa sneaks into your house and drops presents off
Garry: what if they had reverse hallowe'en
Khiem: otherwise he'd just stand on the streets and give them to people passing by
Garry: all the kids stay home.. and the adults are the ones going around to each house giving candy?
ya think they'd go for that?
Khiem: you'd do that?
you're too lazy to go down stairs to your door
you'd go down the street to give a kid candy?
that's the worst bluff I've ever seen
Garry: hell no... but it's just an extension of what it is now... instead of just stopping at my door, i'd step outside and go around the neighbourhood
anyway, santa... breaking and entering is better than just handing stuff out on the street? i dunno
Khiem: that makes no sense at all
Garry: if i caught him in the act, i'd just beat him and take his shit
kick him out and call the cops
Khiem: yeah...especially if he ate my cookies
and drank my milk
especially if that milk was from my wife's nipple
Garry: yeah, that's not santa anymore.. that's called your wife's lover
Khiem: and your kid's father
you know what would make more sense?
if kids paid people to deliver candy to their house
we should start a halloween delivery service
order your candy now!
Garry: haha.. of just do like virtual hallowe'en... kids would spam pics through email to peeps and they'd have to send candy out
if you received 50 emails with pics of poor little cute kids dressed up, would you send them candy?
Khiem: I probably would
come on...how much does a bonbon cost?
probably a little more expensive with postage now
Garry: so you'd go to the post office and lick 50 envelopes?
Khiem: no...hopefully you can just stick the stamp right on the candy
Garry: uhh.. what about the address?
Khiem: add a little tag like the ones you get on xmas presents
write something cute like "for little timmy"
or "this one's for tiny tina"
Garry: then do it! prove it!
find random kids on the net and send them treats!
hahaha
Khiem: if it were widely accepted
it might seem creepy
the poor cute little kids

Ghosts
(Metric - Too Little, Too Late)

Garry: yo
Khiem: yo
Garry: check this out
http://et.tv.yahoo.com/tv/12841/
look at the 3rd pic on the left
Khiem: ghost?
Garry: supposedly an apparition caught on thermal imaging
from this show called ghost hunters...
there was nothing in the doorway
Khiem: pretty creepy stuff
Garry: indeed... how "real" it is, i dunno.. but supposedly they caught this earlier in the season of their show... but since it was such a good shot, they saved it for the season finale
which may or may not mean that it's not fake cause otherwise they could've done it anytime
Khiem: well it's good television, that's for sure
Garry: here's a question... what exactly do ghosts wear?
it's obviously not clothes
but it looks like it
Khiem: why can't they wear clothes?
why do they have to walk around naked?
Garry: well, how can they make clothes disappear?
if you dug them up, it'd still be on their body
not like they took it with them
they certainly shouldn't be able to wear clothes
or walk around with chains or swords or shit
Khiem: if you're trying to say that clothes shouldn't appear...neither should their bodies...because essentially clothes and their bodies are made of the same molecules...
ghosts should be formless
just energy
Garry: but bodies i can kind of get cause they used to be living.. attached to the soul
clothes are inanimate
Khiem: maybe the energy of the soul can be shaped to any form
maybe it's being shaped to the memory of that person the last time he/she looked in the mirror
Garry: possible... but still skeptical... haha
i still think they should be naked
haha
Khiem: it'd be pretty embarrassing for them if they saw other ghosts naked
I think I'd be more scared to see a ghost with a hard-on
cuz then he's not here just to scare me...he's here to violate me
Garry: yeah, that would be quite disturbing
how about a horny naked marilyn monroe ghost?
in her prime
Khiem: are you asking if I'd do her?
hard to say...depends if I could get it up after the initial scare
Garry: haha... if you did a ghost, that for sure would leave a stain on your bed...
Khiem: I don't know if I could trust a ghost
she might want to cuddle after s*x
Garry: or steal your soul
either way, it sucks

I'm an Ideas Man
Metric – The Police and the Private

You're working for the police and the private, the pirates and the pilots
Fingerprinted waiting for the train
The doctor, the writer, the hairdresser,
Felt up and fingerprinted waiting for the train
...

It’s been awhile and I don’t know where all the time went but I haven’t got much to show for it. I’m actually standing here with my hands open, palms up and shoulders shrugged. If there was an image that would best describe me, that would probably be it and it would be titled "Hey, what happened?" Bewildered by how fast the world is moving and amazed at how far behind I am.

So what’s new?

Recently I went paintballing with a group of 26 friends and acquaintances. One of the biggest adrenaline rushes I’ve had in awhile. The location was at Wasaga Beach and they had a 20+ acre lot with 11 outdoor scenarios to play. Each scenario was very well thought out and the buildings and props in each area were well designed. In 12 games my kill count was around 19 and I was killed about 7-8 times. Of those 7-8 times, I was shot in the head 5 times, once in the jaw under my mask/helmet. Bruise count at the end of the day? – zero. Fun factor on a scale of 1 to 10? – 10. Highly recommended and if you do ever go, please invite me.

Arrested Development episode 4 has been delayed for the last 2 weeks because of the World Series. The only show I watch religiously and it has to take a backseat to a baseball game, COME ON!

My friends and I have started discussions about starting a business. We’ve got some great ideas so far on paper and we’ve started preliminary research. Everyone’s excited about the prospects of working for themselves. I can’t wait for the day I can call myself Mr. Manager. Actually Mr. CEO sounds better. Wait, I don’t care for titles...except Mr. Roboto. Domo.

I started a small contract job recently, designing a database and some forms/reports for a small business in Burlington, ON. So far it has been rather smooth. Some extra income on the side in exchange for longer work days, less personal time and less time blogging. Sounds fair to me except for the blogging part.

I am in love with Emily Haines. Even if she dances like Elaine (from Seinfeld).

I am also in love with Sonia. She doesn’t dance like Elaine but she does one heck of a Lindsy (from AD) chicken dance.

Life is grand.

Twilight Zone Stories Abound
(Europe – Final Countdown)

Story #1 – The Bed

A guy was moving out on his own and did not have a bed for his apartment. So he went and bought the most lavish bed he could afford. Two thousand dollars later he had a nice lovely bed. A week later, as his anniversary was approaching, he asked his gf if she would agree to buying half the bed for him and he would buy her the other half as an anniversary present. After all, they would be sharing that bed one day. Not today. One day.

After discussing this with her female friends, and completely ignoring their advice, she agreed to pay for half his bed.

A few weeks later the guy purchased himself a 42" DLP television.

*twilight music starts*

What’s eerie is that the guy is still alive and the girl is still going out with him.

(True story. I swear.)
...

Story #2 – The European Trip (At this time in the afternoon…creative juices are running low, real low. You will accept my story titles and you will enjoy them!)

A guy had promised his girlfriend that he would take a trip with her to Europe. However, before they were able to take this trip, they had broken up. After being separated for some time and coming to terms with their doomed relationship, they were able to maintain a cordial relationship. He started seeing someone new and she was still single.

He then decided that he would follow through on his promise of going to Europe with her, after all, promises are not to be taken lightly. He proceeded to explain this to his girlfriend and she finally agreed to let him go and being the generous and thoughtful guy that he was, he allowed her to tag along on the trip.

*twilight music starts*

What’s eerie is that all 3 people came back from the trip alive and the girl is still going out with him.

(True story. Same couple. I swear.)
...

Here’s sort of a random wonder.

I was wondering if pandas were monogamous.

From what I hear 80% of the females and 90% of the males are sterile. If they’re monogamous, that pretty much stacks the odds against them coming off the endangered species list.

NipBeGone
(Sigur Ros – Glosoli)

Khiem: did you know that marathon runners get bloody nipples?
Garry: i'd just get bloody tired
but yeah, i can see how the intense chafing can hurt
Khiem: I didn't know this
Garry: we should invent NippleGuard
Khiem: they already have it
that's how I found out
Garry: sweatproof
oh.. is it called NippleGuard?
Khiem: no...I don't know what it's called
but nipple guard seems a good of a name as any
nipple shield...nipple protector...
Garry: NotMyNip!
Khiem: NipBeGone
Garry: NipBeSafe
Khiem: NipNotBeChafe
Garry: ChafeMeNot
Khiem: NipChafeNot
Garry: NotChafeNip
Khiem: ChafeNoNip
Garry: you should suggest some R&D into that at your company..
Khiem: we make cardiovascular related products...not mammary related products
though that seems to be an underdeveloped market
especially for Asians
Garry: i was about to say the same thing
mammaries are close to the heart anyway
Khiem: close to my heart that's for sure
I think we could write a sitcom
Garry: i think we should...
Khiem: speaking of NipsBeGone...are you going to Sandra's going away party?

Purple Nurple
(Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps)

Coworker - I gotta go and pick up some stuff at the running room for the half marathon.
Me - New shoes?
Coworker - No, nipple band-aids.
Me - I didn't know you had to be concerned about purple nurples while running.
Coworker - Haha. No, no...when you run long distances, your nipples bleed.
Me - What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker - From chaffing on your shirt.
Me - You have got to be shitting me.
Coworker - I'm serious!

...and that's why I don't run long distances.

Goodbye Summer
(The Acorn – Do You Not Yearn At All)

Oh my god we’re having a fire.....sale. Oh the burning, it burns me. Evacuate all the school children!.
...

A breeze blew into my room the other day and along with it the smell of familiarity…I think it was skunk. It reminded me of those summer nights as a teenager/college student when I used to drive around aimlessly after breaking up with a girl. I guess you could say that break-ups stink. Long aimless drives are great for clearing out your head though. However, now with gas prices so high, it might actually be cheaper for people to just get professional counselling.

Hmm...have you ever started a topic of conversation with a digression? I think I just did. I think the breeze reminded me both of stinky break-ups and the fact that colder weather was around the corner.

Summer officially ended on Wednesday and it’s a bit sad to think about but there’s a lot to look forward to in autumn. It’s a beautiful season. The trees are just starting to lose their green. I’m hoping I lose some of the colour on my arms and legs too. This summer I got the worst Cambodian tan ever.

I’ve already booked my first snowboarding trip for the middle of December. About 20-30 of us are headed to Quebec to snowboard down the slopes of Mont Tremblant.

The salmon are starting to make their yearly spawning runs up the Credit River and soon I’ll be wading through there trying to catch a few of them on an early weekend morning. There’s something amazing about watching salmon make their last run up a river to pass on their genes before they die. Referring to the quote on my last blog entry, it would probably suck terribly if they prematurely blew their wads on a dry run before they reached their spawning grounds. Nature is beautiful isn’t it? Everyone freely blowing their wads.

In the middle of October, we’re headed to a cottage where a friend of mine will announce that he is now engaged. That’s engagement #2 this year and I’m hoping it’s the last. I’m not sure I can handle much more pressure on the engagement front.

Lastly, with the end of the summer, hopefully we’ll have an end to the tropical storms that are wreaking havoc all across the world.

Have a safe weekend everyone.
...

Bored?...

1. Go to www.google.com.
2. Type in "failure" without the quotes.
3. Click on "I’m feeling lucky" instead of search.

Chai Latte
(Cranberries – Ode to My Family)

I think I may have prematurely blew my wad on what was suppose to be a dry run, if you will, and now I’ve got somewhat of a mess on my hands.

There are just too many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
...

I like chai latte. Not the actual drink. Just the way it sounds. I’m going to name my first born Le, Chai Latte.
...

I’m slowly learning how to copy dvd’s. It’s a lot of techno babble that I doubt anyone wants to hear. The thing I find funny though, is that I’m actually using a pirated copy of software that allows you to pirate encrypted movies. Even the pirates are getting pirated. Rrrrrr, there she blows.

Which reminds me – has anyone watched the musical The Pirate Movie? One of the funniest musicals ever.
...

Hurricane Rita is blowing towards Houston right about now. Apparently Dubya is well prepared this time around for the aftermath. Of course he’ll get some criticism that it’s only because of the Katrina bungling and the fact that Texas is his home state that has gotten him to be proactive and prepared for this hurricane. I say give Dubya a chance...........he’ll find some way to f*ck this up as well.

I hope all the Houston families have evacuated and are safe elsewhere.

Passive Aggression
(John Lennon - Imagine)

Come on ya douchebags, we're all on the same team!

People have been stressed at work lately. I’ve heard on numerous occasions from different friends that they’re “so stressed” at work. I’ve got a solution for you folks. The next time someone at work gives you work that they should be doing themselves, gives you an unreasonable deadline, or just pisses you off with their annoying laugh – go find their car in the parking lot. Once you find their car, whip off your pants; hop on the hood and take a big shit on their windshield. When you’re done this, break into their car and turn on the wipers. Run back to your desk and watch from your window as that person leaves work. You’ll feel exponentially better.

Passive aggression at its best.

I teach a class on passive aggression every day of the week. Contact me if you’d like to attend. Car required.

Chickens Don’t Clap
(Counting Crows – Round Here)

Jon Stewart on the Bush Administration and Katrina : “Anyone who doesn’t want to play the blame game, is usually to blame.”

I think that’s the equivalent of the retort to “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic of the performer.” : “That’s what people with short wands say.”

For the record, I have a big wand that wields a lot of magic.
...

Please click on the following link to see powers that you never knew your ass had.

Ass Power

I imagine this is a power that maybe the prison community might have. To avoid being violated in prison, they work out this part of their body every day so that they could snap dicks clean off.

If you ever slow dance with this lady, do not try and cop a cheap feel. You may walk away without your fingers.
...

I went to see a contemporary film at the film festival yesterday. It was called All Souls and it was a series of Dutch short films about the assassination of Theo Van Gogh (who was a vocal right wing filmmaker). I think the overall theme of the film was about freedom of speech and the battle between democracy, fundamentalism and racism. I found it to be a little bit of overkill with all the news over the last few years about those very subjects (most of which are related to the war in Iraq). Stylistically, it was very interesting though.

My favourite short film involved the portrayal of Theo Van Gogh trying to get into the Muslim afterlife. He was offered 72 virgins in exchange for not having an opinion or expressing his thoughts. He turned around and decided to walk the Earth as a ghost. My least favourite part of the all the films was the actual Dutch dialect. For some reason or another I just found it very hard to listen to. Occasionally they’d have words that sounded exactly like the English equivalent but they’d be surrounded by dutch. “Blah, blah, blah, you suck rods, blah, blah, blah.” That always throws me off.

It was an interesting film choice by Sonia. Tonight, we get to go see a film choice of mine. I don’t really want to be contemplating the flaws in our society and philosophical stances. So…I chose a kung-fu flick called Seven Swords by Tsui Hark. Everybody was kung-fu fighting!...hehe.
...

Some of my favourite Arrested Development Quotes…

Michael/G.O.B./Marta: I’ve made a HUGE mistake.

Michael: You stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her. Hard.

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
G.O.B.: “Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money... or candy!

Tobias: Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder. You just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

(Both Lindsay and G.O.B. are accusing Michael of being a chicken)
Lindsay: Chaw, chee-chaw, chee-chaw.
G.O.B.: Oh, this is priceless.
Michael: You look ridiculous...
G.O.B.: Coka-coh! Coka-coh! Coka-coka-coka-coh...
Michael: Come on. These aren’t even birds.

Buster: Chickens don’t clap!
…

For all your Arrested Development paraphanelia --> http://www.cafepress.com/arrested

All Newsed Out
(Coldplay – Fix You)

We’re going to A B because we’re B A’ers. We’re going to eat zucchinis because we’re zucchini eaters!

So, not a lot of things in the world are going well these days. There’s the ongoing war in Iraq. We all know what a great PR piece that is for the Bush administration. The sad part is, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Bush, along came Katrina. I think John Stewart put it best when he said, "Was there bureaucratic bungling? The short answer is: yes. The long answer is: YESSSSSSSSSSS!" Seriously, how do you leave thousands of people stranded for 3-4 days while you finish off your vacation? Come on, someone toss those people a bone…or a life preserver.

Correspondent Ed Helms in New Orleans - "While everybody else is busy setting up commissions and finding fault, through the president's leadership he'll end up building a billion dollar dam in Arkansas." Jon Stewart - "Why would he build a dam in Arkansas?" Ed Helms - "His plan will be to fight the water there so we don't have to fight it here."

And the skyrocketing gas prices. What the F??? I even started looking at the cost of getting a moped or a scooter to ride around the city to try and cut down my gas costs. Those things have great gas mileage! However, I’m not sure I could ever really own one. Scooters are like fat chics. They’re fun to ride until your friends find out.

Is anyone else getting a bit tired of watching the news these days? It’s all very depressing.

The good news is I just got a great deal on my insurance from GEICO.

G Dub Strikes Again
(Lamb - Gabriel)

Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.

Yours,
Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

Hello Blogger, My Old Friend
(PSB – Being Boring)

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I don’t have any excuses of being "busy". You know you’ll always make time for the things you love to do, even if you’re busy. I just haven’t had any inclination to write lately. I’ve had nothing loathe-worthy to write about, nor any creative stories to tell. I’ve just been happy living and enjoying the things I have around me. My family is still as dysfunctional as ever but we love each other; my friends have been a great bunch to have around; and of course Sonia has been amazing. It’s funny, I’m not doing much different these days but I honestly feel like my situation has drastically improved. I shaved all my hair off last Friday. Maybe in the process, I shed all the things in my head that were weighing me down.

So what’s new in my life these days? I’m going to see Les Miserables with Sonia sometime in the next month because the production is back in town. At the end of this month I’ve got tickets to see Metric live at the Phoenix concert theatre. Three of my friends got engaged over the summer. One got married. My best friend just moved into his new house with his gf. One of my other close friends is dating another close friend’s ex-gf. My younger sister just moved up north to teach at a school for a year. Another close friend is on his way back from Australia in 2 months, after a year sabbatical. Autumn is just around the corner and the winds of change are starting to swirl.

(We were never being boring. We had too much time to find for ourselves.)

Hardcore fishing at 7am!

Meet my little friends, Biggie and Smallie.

Bassmaster 2005

Weekend Adventures – The Chronicles of Shaky
(Franz Ferdinand - This Fire)

Friday started off with a bang. Actually it started off with a shawalla walla, shabang bang. Toronto got a torrential downpour in the afternoon. Being from Mississauga, which is just outside of Toronto, we had underestimated how much of a downpour it really was. As Mark, Diem, Sonia and I made our way from the burbs to Toronto to watch the quarterfinal tennis match between Justine Henin-Hardenne and Nicole Vaidasova, we soon realized after 2 hrs of traffic that it might have been a bad idea to travel across the city with most of the roads being closed due to flooding. On some roads, the water was as high as 2-3 feet. Needless to say, our typical 20-25 minute car ride took us 3 hours. After we got there, we watched the last few games of the first set and then it started raining again. One hour later, after the rain delay, the match got started again and we watched the last set.

Here’s where it gets interesting. On our way home, most of the roads had cleared and the water levels were down low enough so that we could drive through them with Mark’s SUV. It’s actually very fun to drive through a foot of water because you get to see the water splashing from the wheels. Not fun for people who might be walking on the sidewalks. Unfortunately there were no pedestrians for us to splash. There was however a not-so-smart guy in a mustang convertible who happened to be driving with his top down. As we approached a puddle a foot high and about 50-60 feet long, we could see the mustang flying through the water. Just then another SUVcame flying through right beside the mustang, causing a steady stream of brown water to cover the mustang driver’s head and all his leather seats. I’ve attached a drawing do demonstrate what this looked like.



This sight made our 3 hour trek across town worthwhile. Best. Laugh. Ever.
...

Saturday was Harris’ and Anna-Gail’s wedding. Before we even stepped into the dining area, the groomsmen and the bridesmaids were already egging us on to take shots with them. They said, “The record is 6 shots in a row. One of Harris’ crazy high school friends just did it about 5 minutes ago. We know you guys can do it!!” So Jimmy and I took 7 shots in a row of cognac, amaretto and baileys. Jimmy and I both had a slight buzz by the time we sat down for dinner. My buzz didn’t last long and I was pretty much sober the rest of the night. I hate being an expensive drunk.

And just as I was thinking how ridiculous of an entrance Jimmy and I could have made if we took another 3-4 shots each (guys + ego + dare = stupidity), the bride and groom rolled into the dining room in a limo, through a hidden garage door beside the head table with Usher’s “Yeah” in the background. P. Diddy would’ve been proud.

After a few dishes and a few great live singing and band performances from some of Harris’ talented friends, it was time for the speeches. There are always some very creative speeches at weddings. Some are very sentimental, some are very funny and some are terribly awkward. The last one I went to, the best man boasted that he got to see the groom’s ass before the bride ever did. After making a few more homo-erotic references and a few lewd comments about the bride, he was given a high-five from the groom’s father. Classy. On Saturday, Harris’ dad had the most memorable speech. After having many, many drinks with us boys, his dad managed to incorporate "My son the fucken bastard..." and "I am drunk." into his speech without getting booed off stage. In fact, he left the stage with a ruckus crowd chanting his name, "TITO, TITO, TITO!"

At the end of the night, we got this parting gift to take home. It looks like the Oscar’s award! I believe they gave this to me for being the world’s greatest lover.



I’d like to thank my gf and ex-gf’s for nominating me for this award. I’d also like to thank my parents for not using contraception back in the 70’s. Lastly I’d like to thank God, because without him we wouldn’t have a platform like award shows to give him praise.

Anyhow...

If you ever get the chance, go to a Filipino wedding – they know how to party!

Ring My Bell
(Greenday - When September Ends)

My bike got stolen a few days ago. I’m not sure why I’m so surprised. My sister took my bike to the ghetto to play baseball and left it up against a fence unlocked. If there was ever a recipe for getting your bike stolen – this would be it.

I imagine that somewhere, some kid is riding my bike and ringing the bell a bit overzealously. A kid like that, probably doesn’t wear a helmet when he rides a bike. Hopefully he/she will have some instant karma run-in with a very large truck.

Heat Wave
(Coldplay – Sparks)

Sonia’s dad and I exchanged melons yesterday. I brought him a few green melons from my family’s garden and he gave me one of the melons they were growing in their back yard. I was happy to see that my melons were bigger than his. His melons however were nice and round while mine were long and elongated. I guess it just depends on what sort of melons you’re into. I’m really into his daughter’s melons.
...

My Top 10 Summer Songs in no particular order...

1. New Order – Regret
2. Fresh Prince & DJ Jazzy Jeff - Summertime
3. The Cure – Friday I’m In Love
4. Bananarama – Cruel Summer
5. Smashing Pumpkins – 1979
6. Telepopmusik – Breathe
7. Len – Steal My Sunshine
8. Don McLean – American Pie
9. LL Cool J – Loungin
10. Real McCoy – Runaway

Jump up, jump up and get down.

Don’t Feed The Egos
(Death Cab For Cutie – Title and Registration)

Here’s an idea I had the other day...

How cool would it be if I could get all my ex’s into one wrestling ring and have them square off in a royal rumble? One by one they’d throw each other out of the ring and the last person standing in the ring would get to face my current gf Sonia in a title match. If by some odd chance, my ex was winning, I could jump in the ring with a chair and hit her over the head while the referee was distracted. This would allow Sonia to easily pin her and retain the title!

Of course this is a ridiculous idea because I’m pretty sure I’d have a hard time getting any of my ex’s to fight over me.

Here’s a better idea. They could hang me over the ring and the winner of the battle royal would get a ladder and a stick so they could beat me like a piñata. Of course, Sonia would come jumping in the ring last minute, with a chair in hand, to knock them flat on their ass before they got any swings at me.
...

You know how at the zoo they have signs that say "Don’t Feed the Animals"? I think some offices should have signs that say "Don’t Feed the Egos". There are a lot of proud people at work who think they’re too qualified/dignified or whatever, to do work that’s not within their job description. Here’s some anti-inflammatory drugs for that ego of yours -- take one for the team, bitch!

Much Ado About Nothing
Death Cab For Cutie - I Was a Kaleidoscope

It's amazing how one person can open your eyes and make you realize things about yourself that you've never realized before. I would've never thought I'd enjoy having a sushi picnic in the park and watching Shakespeare at sunset. Maybe I'm just getting softer with age...

The new stage at High Park for the annual Shakespeare in the Park. This year they did Much Ado About Nothing. Excellent performance and highly recommended to those who haven't had a chance to spend an evening in High Park yet.


This was the stage lit up after the show.


Last year's stage. I liked this design better but apparently the weight of the stage was damaging the roots of the oak trees and so they re-designed the set so that it would stand on support beams that did not damage the surrounding park. We saw As You Like It last year and had a fabulous time.


The stage lit up after the show.

Never-Nude
(Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism)

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row; it seems farther than ever before. I need you so much closer...

So the pictures below are from my grandma’s 80th birthday party. We hopped in the shake-mobile on a Friday morning and headed 8 hrs south to the heart of America just to celebrate it with her. Highlights from the trip were...

- Spending 2 hrs finding my passport that was cleverly hidden in my bag by Sidekick Sonia.
- Watching my dad roll down the window every 30 minutes to have a cigarette. I’m convinced that chain smoking is a term that was coined for him in particular.
- Getting tired 6 hrs into the drive and letting my dad drive my car. For a brief moment I forgot that he barely knew how to drive his automatic oldsmobile, let alone my standard Mazda. 45 minutes of yelling “2ND GEAR COMES AFTER 1ST GEAR!!” and “YOU HAVE TO PRESS THE CLUTCH DOWN WHEN SHIFTING!!” and watching him stall at every toll booth, my patience wore thin and I kindly asked him to pull over to let me drive the last hour.
- Arriving at my uncle’s 2.5 million dollar home and drooling like a little kid in a candy store when I realize he has a tennis court in his 4 acre backyard and a swimming pool.
- Watching the first full season of Arrested Development on my laptop (thanks for the DVD Garry!). Is there really such a psychological affliction as “Never-Nude”? Steve Holt!
-Good times and good food with the family!

...

On the trip I played hide and seek with a few of my little cousins. Kids are fun but a little stupid. I would hide in some really obvious places and they would never find me. On one particular occasion I had hid underneath my air mattress. If you’re playing with adults, this isn’t the best place to hide since the air mattress doesn’t look level and it’s slightly off the ground when you’re underneath it. With kids however, they don’t notice those finer details so they run on by and totally bypass the air mattress.

About 2 minutes after I hid underneath the air mattress I hear my mom say, “I’m getting really tired, I think I’m going to take nap.” And she lays right down on top of the air mattress. Then I she yells to my sisters, “Hey girls, you guys look tired, you should come take a nap with me on this air mattress!” So 3 of them pile onto the mattress and I hear them laughing hysterically. I of course am now stuck underneath this mattress and 4 women. I quietly yelp, “I’m going to hunt each of you down and hurt you after I get out of here.” More laughter ensues.

Then I hear my mom yell out, “Hey kids, we’re all taking a group nap, you should come join us! Come on, JUMP ON!!” So one by one, they all literally JUMP ON. So now there’s an air mattress, 4 women and 4 kids lying on top of me and I’m starting to get a little suffocated soI turn my head sideways so I can get some air.

After enduring this for about 5 minutes, they finally get off the bed and I of course chase each and every one of my sisters and mother down to hurt them. They all got bruises on their leg!

The kids however, still couldn’t find me.
...

See everyone at the Steve Nash Charity game tonight!

Are you sure you don't want anymore roasted pig?

When shoppers attack.

Buy one bible, get one free.

Kids are cute (part 2).

Kids are cute.

Happy 80th G-Ma!!

Penguins Rock
(Filter – Take My Picture)

I like watching penguins slide on ice with their stomachs. I could watch that all day. This is probably the idea behind the “slip and slide”. Does anyone still have one of these? It’s this yellow plastic mat that attaches to your water hose and it sprays water all along the mat and you’re suppose to run and then dive onto it. If I could get my hands on one of these, I’d be in heaven.

Beat Me With a Stick
(No Doubt – Sunday Morning)

(staring into the camera)
I've made a huge mistake.

2 things I’ve dropped in the toilet in the last month other than feces and urine…

1) My cell phone.
2) My contacts case.

I had to wash, Lysol, wipe down with alcohol and quarantine them for a few days afterwards.

I’ve been somewhat of a klutz and absentminded lately. Yesterday I got to work and realized I had left my laptop at home. On my way home to get my laptop, I bit my lip munching on my BLT bagel. Bleeding profusely while driving, I nearly hit a bird that was pecking away at something on the road. While swerving to avoid the bird, I smeared mayo all over my cheek.

I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s because Mars is getting closer to Earth.
...

Shaky is contemplating speaking in third person from now on because speaking in first person is a bit self-absorbed. Shaky hates people who are self-absorbed. Nicknames are also self-absorbed, but if Shaky reveals his real name, Shaky might have to beat off all the women who are stalking him, with a stick.
...

Who am I kidding? I am self-absorbed. If I weren’t, I would’ve forgone putting gel into my faux Mohawk; gave my car away to a stranger this morning; walked to work without complaining about how my knees ached; walked into the HR manager’s office and told them I want to work for them for free from now on; and then proceeded to be everyone in the office’s bitch by helping them with their work. Actually, that last part is true, I’m already everyone bitch. God, I gotta grow a spine and learn how to say no when people ask me for help.

NO!
...

I’m rambling today.

Wedding Crashers
(The Acorn - Darcy)

Here's the latest movie I'm appearing in...see if you can catch me in the trailer!

Wedding Crasher

lol.

Future Insomniac
(The Acorn – Do You Not Yearn At All?)

If you’re looking to paint the town red and piss the rest of the night away walking aimlessly, you’ve come to the right place.

I had a great time in Montreal over the weekend at an intimate little Indie rock concert. Live music always kicks ass. I believe the venue was Casa Del Popolo and the following bands played : Carrigan, As the Poets Affirm, The Acorn and Kiss Me Deadly (which I missed).

Carrigan was a two person band. Very unorganized but they had talent. Their drummer kicked ass and I couldn’t help but wonder how coordinated you’d have to be to play the drums. I have trouble riding a bike, let alone using all four of my limbs to make music.

As the Poets Affirm was a 7 person band with the average age of the band members being in their late teens. Extremely talented and very well organized. I just couldn’t get into their music. I found the music composition to be a little too complex and they lacked a lead singer with stage presence.

I was most impressed with The Acorn. They’ve got excellent stage presence and their music was simple and easy to listen to. I could’ve sat there all night listening to them, enjoying the leftover steak stuck between my teeth and a sipping on a nice cold beer. If you’re interested in listening to some of their songs, check out Kelp Records and go to the download section. "Darcy" is a nice catchy tune and "Do You Not Yearn At All?" is a great instrumental. The space guitar sounds amazing in this song!
...

I don’t have any problems falling asleep at night. I sleep well. All my friends will tell you that. No matter how poor the circumstance and no matter how tormenting the day has been, I can always fall asleep. I think the reason most people can’t sleep is because their mind races at night. They replay the events of the day; their worries and other stresses in their lives. I don’t bother with the thinking. I put the drudgery in my life aside and I find a place to store them until I can deal with them later. However, my problem is, I only deal with a small percentage of the things I store away. The rest just sit there unaccounted for. I think somewhere down the road, in the aftermath of all that’s happened in my life, I will probably find myself with chronic insomnia – finally having to deal with things I so easily avoided in the past and lamenting about how it was so great to be young and carefree. It will be irony at its best.

Musical Instruments
(Keane - Bedshaped)

Hello, we’re back and we’re taking calls.

So I woke up this morning and realized I had forgotten about my oil change appointment with my car dealership. I quickly called them to cancel and rebook. Then after I had showered, shaved, brushed my teeth and was ready to put on my clothes for work. I realized I was supposed to take all my dress pants to the dry cleaners two days ago. After scrounging around and realizing that my pants were either too dirty or too wrinkled, I decided to dig deeper into my closet. I found an old pair of dress pants I wore for my high school prom. I’ve lost about 20 lbs since my vacation (stomach flu) so I was able to fit into these pants without too much trouble. I don’t know why I’m such a pack rat but I really should’ve thrown these pants out a long time ago.

So I’m wearing a size 28 or 29 pair of olive green dress pants at work today. Thankfully I sit at a desk most of the day and not too many people can see my pants to comment on them. I suppose if I really wanted to I could’ve worn the same pants I wore yesterday or wore a wrinkled pair of pants and no one would’ve commented either. I don’t really know what the point of this story was. Just know that I’m sitting here looking very uncool in olive green dress pants.
...

Anyone ever heard of a rusty trombone?...gross...a Vancouver girl taught me what that was...I mean, she told me what that was...gross...
Vi...you’re the dirtiest girl I know!
...

Speaking of musical instruments...I should have my guitar back in a few weeks so time to start taking lessons again!

Men are from Mars
Coldplay – Speed of Sound

The sign that I couldn't read,
or a light that I couldn't see.
Some things you have to believe,
but others are puzzles, puzzling me.
...

Apparently Mars is going to be as close to Earth as it’s been in over 5000 years. Over the next month we’re suppose to see Mars get progressively bigger in the night sky. August 27th it will hit its peak and we should be able to see Mars at the same size as the moon with just a 75x magnification.

Guess where I’ll be on August 27th? Three hours north in the wilderness...how fucken perfect is that? No city lights to blind us. This is a sure sign that the annual Killbear camp trip is going to be a blast again. Now I just have to start planning it.

Mark your calendars – August 27th 12:30 am.
...

Anyone free this weekend to go and hang out in Montreal?

This summer is flying by fast with all these weekend getaways. I can’t believe we’re almost into August already.

Manitoulin 2005

This picture reminds me of the yellow video. Too bad I couldn't catch any of the stars that night.

The only way to keep cool during a heat wave is to wear ear muffs and imagine that it's freezing outside.

You Ass Part II
(Postal Service - Clark Gable)

...I want life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd...

...

Upon further deliberation in my car ride home from rollerhockey...

It's not an oxymoron. In fact it makes perfect sense. When you feel like ass, that's when you're most like to be close to all the shit (see previous blog). When you're in bad spirits or when you're not feeling well, that's when you notice how happy everyone is and how there are sooo many cool parties happening around you. It's not an oxymoron, it's an irony!! It's Murphy's Law!!
...

Two random but blunt things...

1) People who know me, know that I'm not the most optimistic person in the world. In fact, I have been called pensive...and even...pessimistic...gasp. It's a role I'm comfortable with. It's a role I do well. The minute I'm the optimistic one, there's something wrong. I've been the optimistic one; it doesn't work that way. Things go wrong, people get hurt, old ladies slip on ice. I neither have the strength or the inclination. I'm content just being realistic.

2) I wish nothing but happiness for you. Why? -- Because you thrive on drama. You live for tragedies. Self-loathing is addictive I once said. You're actually happiest when you're sitting there thinking about how the fates are always against you. Well you know what, you're going to wake up happy one day!

(now before anyone jumps on this...it's not about you...stop being assumptuous...it never has been about you...it's always been about me...me, damn it.)

Here's what I don't get...

People are always talking about the shit...."This stuff is the shit."..."That song is the shit."..."Your mom is the shit."...which is suppose to be a good thing.

Then I have friends that compare things to ass. "God, I feel like ass today. I don't think I'm going to go out with you guys tonight."..."Man, that tasted like ass."..."You're an ass." So basically ass is a bad thing.

But if you're feeling like ass, you're pretty close to where all the shit is. So doesn't that make you an oxymoron?

nimbostratus
(Maxwell - This Woman's Work)

Sometimes I catch myself staring off in the corner of a room and all I can think about is how horrible of a person I am. How many people have I hurt in my lifetime? I’ve lost count. Then I start thinking about how many people have hurt me; people who are as equally horrible as I am. And I imagine that each one of these people walks around with a black cloud on their heads. If you can imagine walking down the stairs of a subway station during rush hour and seeing the crowds gather on the platform just before the subway arrives; and all you can see are black clouds everywhere -- that’s what the world sometimes looks like to me.

What makes it all worthwhile is, every now and then you’ll see the sun poke out of those clouds. Someone that stands above the rest of us misfits. Someone as pure and as innocent as daisies in a meadow on a warm spring day. Someone that gives me a little hope that, I might someday turn it all around and instead of hurting people, make people smile. In a way, I guess what the cloud really represents is guilt. I need to somehow come to terms with the guilt I’ve got and try and avoid gathering more. In the end, we’re all accountable to ourselves, if not a greater principle. When I’ve breathed my last breath, I want to be sure that there’s a light above my head to go towards.

I'm RICK JAMES, bitch!
(Rick James - Superfreak)

So I’ve been back from the cottage for two days now and I don’t know why but I’m still dead tired. All I’ve wanted to do the last 2 days is sleep. Maybe I’ve got west nile disease from all the mosquito bites or I’m just suffering from prolonged heat exhaustion.

Highlights from the cottage trip…

- PONTOON!! – the greatest party boat ever. There’s nothing better than a floating deck that has room for 10-14 people to party and fish on. Unless of course your name is P. Diddy and you have a yacht.
- Jen learning the hard way that passing on a one lane hwy around a bend and uphill is a baddddddddd idea.
- Filleting my first fish and picking scales out of my hair and teeth. Never smile while removing scales from a fish.
- Watching Arrested Development and the Dave Chappelle show – "I’m RICK JAMES, bitch!"
- Catching our first pike. The Pike Master award goes to Garry! Here’s a guy who has never caught anything on any fishing trip we’ve been on, but give him a Yamamoto worm to work with and we turn him into a professional angler.
- Mr.Yamamoto makes goooood cookies! Who would’ve thought I’d go through 3 bags of Yamamoto worms in one weekend? For the record, Mr. Yamamoto has yet to be shut out on any fishing trip.
- Mixed drinks that taste like crap. Let’s leave the drink making to the bartenders. Caipirinha’s taste good only if they’re made by a Brazilian much like Cuban cigars are only good if they’re rolled by Cubans. Caesars are only good if you actually put some Clamato juice in it. Otherwise you can just call it vodka, tobasco and Worchester.
- Getting stranded at the other end of the lake without gas and having two of our finest swimmers (Hasselhoff and Pamela), swim back to shore to hitch a ride with country hicks. One of which is the driver, a 14 year old girl, who’s engaged to be married to a 16 year old guy. Then having the cottage owner boat out and fill up your gas tank. Future mental note: make sure you have a full gas tank before boating down the river.
- Being a buffet for all the mosquitoes up North.
- Fuzzy duck, ducky fuzz, duzzy, duzzy fuck, fucky duzz, fucky duck --> DRINK!
- "Jokers are worth zero!!" --> worst on-the-spot rule change for a drinking game ever! If anyone has ever played the Indian drinking game, throw in a joker and make it worth zero. Then force the person who picks the joker to drink an entire drink. Almost as good as the time we decided that if you say any personal pronouns, you had to drink. Speaking in third person is funny when you’re drunk.

Double-header.

fillet-o-fish!

I passed on the gay pride parade for fishing!

Look Ma!

Bass Master in training.

5 Across the Eye
(Coldplay - What If)

You can always tell when people are having bad days. People who are having bad days become bad poker players. They have all these "tells" that give away the relative strength of their hand. For example, the crazy lady at my workplace is in a bad mood today. She’s banging on her keyboard again. That’s her tell. She takes out all her frustrations on her keyboard.

(I’d hate to be a keyboard; it would suck having someone pressing my buttons all day long.)

My tell is shortness in patience. I’m generally impatient to begin with but on a bad day, my patience is almost zero. I can’t wait 2 minutes for my computer to reboot. I can’t wait 30 seconds for my program to compile. I can’t wait 5 minutes to get an email reply back from a vendor about a quote.

Back to the crazy lady. Her other tell is huffing. She likes to huff when she’s frustrated -- Like little kids in toy stores that can’t get their parents to buy them that cool action figure or Barbie. If she were part of my family and tried to do that in the toy store, she would’ve had five across the eye as soon as she got home. Yet somehow, that’s not acceptable in the workplace.

I'm peeling from last weekend in the sun without sunscreen. Earlier today I peeled a nice big chunk of skin from my left forearm. I'm going to give this piece as a present to Sonia just in case I go missing and they need a piece of DNA to match up with the decomposing body they found in the lake. She's going to be really surprised later tonight when we have dinner. Thoughtful gifts are always better than expensive gifts.

"Excuse me sir, can you please step out of that golf cart."
Flock of Seagulls – I Ran

FRIDAY!!...FUCK YEAH!

Friday rocks and I’m ready for a stiff drink…

Today’s drink of choice…

Caipirinha
Cachaca
Sugar
Lime

(Cachaca is the Brazilian version of acqua viva; while anglo-saxons have whisky, French have cognac, Japanese have sake, Russians have vodka, Germans have kirsch, Brazilians have cachaca. Cachaca is produced from destilation of sugar cane. Also popular are the variations of caipirinhas: replace cachaca with vodka, and you have caipiroska; replace the lime with other fruits, and you have caipifrutas (caipiruva - grape, caipirango - strawberry, etc).)
...

A friend of mine, Mark, had a company golf tournament to attend. In preparation for the yearly tournament, the employees typically pick their own foursomes. Mark picked 2 of his closest coworkers, Bob, John and the new "hot" chic that was recently hired. Before even hitting a single ball, they proceed to down shots of tequila and have several stiff drinks. They finally get on the course, drunk out of their minds. They proceed to do very little golfing and a lot of "racing" with the golf carts. One of the guys manages to crash the golf cart into a tree. With the golf cart now smoking and out of commission, my friend asks the hot girl and one of the other guys to go back to the clubhouse to get some help.

Fifteen minutes goes by. No help in sight.

Thirty minutes goes by. No help in sight.

Finally a golf cart arrives. It turns out the people in the golf cart are the CEO and his manager. Up until this point, Mark had a very good reputation with the company CEO and his manager. Mark starts to explain to the CEO what happened with the golf cart and said that he had sent Bob and the hot girl to go get help. The CEO, while laughing, said that he didn’t hear it from Bob or the hot girl. He had heard it from one of the groundskeepers that was patrolling the course. Then he proceeds to pull Mark over to a nearby tree.

"Mark, check out what I managed to capture with my digital camera on the way here."

He then proceeds to show Mark a video of Bob and the hot girl making out in some bushes on the golf course.

Luckily for Mark, Bob, John and the hot girl, the CEO had a sense of humour and did not reprimand or fire anyone.

All future company tournaments required employees to sign a waiver for any liability done to the golf course or equipment rented. Alcohol was still permitted though.

Moral of the story :

Drinking, "driving", corporate events and hot girls DO NOT MIX.

SELECT qrySalesVsForecast.TM_Number, qrySalesVsForecast.[TM NAME], qrySalesVsForecast.Period, qrySalesVsForecast.Quarter, qrySalesVsForecast.Month, qrySalesVsForecast.[Brady Actual], qrySalesVsForecast.[Brady Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Brady AS [Brady Prior Year], IIf([Brady Actual<>0],([Brady Actual]/[Brady Forecast]*100),0) AS [Brady % to Plan], IIf([Brady Prior Year]<>0,([Brady Actual]/[Brady Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Brady % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tachy Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tachy Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Tachy AS [Tachy Prior Year], IIf([Tachy Forecast]<>0,([Tachy Actual]/[Tachy Forecast]*100),0) AS [Tachy % to Plan], IIf([Tachy Prior Year]<>0,([Tachy Actual]/[Tachy Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Tachy % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[EP Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[EP Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.EP AS [EP Prior Year], IIf([EP Forecast]<>0,([EP Actual]/[EP Forecast]*100),0) AS [EP % to Plan], IIf([EP Prior Year]<>0,([EP Actual]/[EP Prior Year]*100),0) AS [EP % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[ESI Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[ESI Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.ESI AS [ESI Prior Year], IIf([ESI Forecast]<>0,([ESI Actual]/[ESI Forecast]*100),0) AS [ESI % to Plan], IIf([ESI Prior Year]<>0,([ESI Actual]/[ESI Prior Year]*100),0) AS [ESI % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Angio-Seal Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Angio-Seal Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Angio-Seal] AS [Angio-Seal Prior Year], IIf([Angio-Seal Forecast]<>0,([Angio-Seal Actual]/[Angio-Seal Forecast]*100),0) AS [Angio-Seal % to Plan], IIf([Angio-Seal Prior Year]<>0,([Angio-Seal Actual]/[Angio-Seal Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Angio-Seal % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[CVA Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[CVA Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.CVA AS [CVA Prior Year], IIf([CVA Forecast]<>0,([CVA Actual]/[CVA Forecast]*100),0) AS [CVA % to Plan], IIf([CVA Prior Year]<>0,([CVA Actual]/[CVA Prior Year]*100),0) AS [CVA % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Mech Valves Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Mech Valves Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Mech Valves] AS [Mech Valves Prior Year], IIf([Mech Valves Forecast]<>0,([Mech Valves Actual]/[Mech Valves Forecast]*100),0) AS [Mech Valves% to Plan], IIf([Mech Valves Prior Year]<>0,([Mech Valves Actual]/[Mech Valves Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Mech Valves % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tissue Valves Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Tissue Valves Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Tissue Valves] AS [Tissue Valves Prior Year], IIf([Tissue Valves Forecast]<>0,([Tissue Valves Actual]/[Tissue Valves Forecast]*100),0) AS [Tissue Valves % to Plan], IIf([Tissue Valves Prior Year]<>0,([Tissue Valves Actual]/[Tissue Valves Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Tissue Valves % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Repair Act], qrySalesVsForecast.[Repair Forecast], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.Repair AS [Repair Prior Year], IIf([Repair Forecast]<>0,([Repair Actual]/[Repair Forecast]*100),0) AS [Repair % to Plan], IIf([Repair Prior Year]<>0,([Repair Actual]/[Repair Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Repair % to Prior Year], qrySalesVsForecast.[Total Sales], qrySalesVsForecast.[Forecasted Sales], qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[Total Sales] AS [Total Sales Prior Year], IIf([Forecasted Sales]<>0,([Total Sales]/[Forecasted Sales]*100),0) AS [Total % to Plan], IIf([Total Sales Prior Year]<>0,([Total Salesl]/[Total Sales Prior Year]*100),0) AS [Total % to Prior Year]
FROM qrySalesVsForecast INNER JOIN qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab ON (qrySalesVsForecast.Period = qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.period) AND (qrySalesVsForecast.TM_Number = qryPriorYearSales_Crosstab.[SALES PERSON]);

This shit is bananas...BA-NA-NA-S.

Where's the extra-strength?

The Man is Holding Us Down
(Thievery Corporation - Lebanese Blonde)

Apparently blogging can get you fired now...so beware...

YOU'RE FIRED!

FLUC YOU!
(Coldplay – What If)

For the record, I don’t condone stereotyping...but this is a funny joke…

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks
the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two
hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?
The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"
...

And FLUC you birds for shitting on my car one weekend after I wash it!!

Not only did they shit on my car, they did it right on the driver side windshield, eye-level. So I have to look at this smear of white feces while I drive...

It sort of reminds me of those odd shapes that psychiatrists/psychologists ask you to look at and identify.

"What does this look like to you?"
"It looks like a butterfly…made out of bird shit."
...

Countdown...

1.5 weeks til my 4 day vacation at the cottage. We rented a PONTOON for the 4 days as well. Contrary to popular belief, that is not a sex toy. It’s a big boat that looks like a floating deck. It seats 8-10 people, has a fish-finder and lots of storage room for cold beverages. Hopefully some really cold, stiff beverages because I can use a few right now.

2.5 weeks til my 7 day vacation up North on Manitoulin Island with Wanda. Our second vacation together. Last year we went to Vancouver. We spent most of our time on the Sunshine Coast fishing, hiking and enjoying some of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen. We hiked through a temperate rainforest and saw a giant whirlpool, picked wild blackberries, fed wild bald eagles and picked up fresh oysters from some of the islands along the coast. This year we’re going to enjoy the outdoors again by renting a cottage and doing some fishing, hiking and sight-seeing up North. Vacation can’t come soon enough!!

Heat Wave
(Coldplay – Talk)

The weather in Toronto the past week has been disgustingly hot. We’re getting 40 C weather in early June. That’s unheard of. I’m expecting the crazy lady in my office to scream out “I’m melting, I’m melting!” any day now.

I went fishing on the weekend and for the first time for as long as I’ve known, I got a sun burn. Normally, I could stay in the sun all-day long and the only effect it would have on me is that I would get dark and people would accuse me of being Cambodian.

My parents have even turned on the A/C at home. They NEVER do that. It could be warm enough to slowly roast a prime rib and they would merely open up a few windows and pretend a cool breeze was passing through. Not this week, we have the A/C turned up to the max.

I feel a bit sorry for my dog Muffin. Imagine wearing a fur coat in the dessert. That can’t be comfortable. He’s cute when he pants though.

This weather sort of reminds me of mid-summer Houston, TX. The few times that I’ve been there, during the day, the city would be a ghost town because no one would dare leave their house. It’s the type of weather that if you were driving on the hwy, the road ahead of you would look distorted because of the heat radiating off of the asphalt.

What exactly can you do in 40 C weather besides sitting inside and sipping on a cool drink? Now if you were on a tropical island, I suppose the heat would be a little more bearable with bikini clad women walking on the beach. Then again, the thought of the crazy lady in my office wearing a bikini is enough to make my balls shrivel and wave a white flag.

God, someone please make the heat go away!

best. tan. ever.

Bass Master Tom

Below the Belt
(Keane – Everybody’s Changing)

Even in the most pensive of moods, a day like this will have my spirits up. The sun’s beating down on me and outside, it’s about 22 C with no wind. Days like this, I wish I was still in school so I could skip out on class and enjoy the weather.
...

So I bought my first jock. Up until now, I’ve never had much reason to protect my balls. But now I’m laying my balls on the line by playing a game where projectiles have been known to hit that area of the body. I’m attempting my first organized league rollerhockey game tonight.

Now here’s the thing, if you go into a store and they have 3 sizes – small, medium, large – what size do you get? For a woman, the answer is the size that fits. For a man, it’s large or medium (depending on how modest he is). It doesn’t matter if you’re small of stature and the jock looks huge on you, as long as you don’t have to take the "small" size up to the cash register. So I think I might have bought one size too big for me. It’s ok though…I’m painting it red and wearing it on the outside like Cameo. Word up!
...

Ever go back and read old emails? I’m not talking about last week’s emails but emails from years ago. I’m a pack rat, so I tend to have emails that are like 3-4+ years old. They’re like little stories. You don’t realize how much you forget over the span of a few years. When you re-read these emails, all the sights, sounds, smells, emotions – they come back so vividly. One day, I’ll look back on this blog with the same sort of awe.
...

Happy 2 Years Wanda :)

Crooks and Nannies in every Nook and Cranny
(ATB – Too Much Rain)

Today's the day I pray that we make it through...
...make it through the fall
...make it through it all


We sit here in our offices and our lame jobs thinking that things are great and that nothing could be better than the financial security we’ve built around ourselves. But deep down, we’re all sitting on that lottery ticket hoping that if we win, we could change our lives; live it the way we’ve always dreamed of living it. I don’t know if that speaks volumes about how happy we really are but I know that to some extent we’re all just settling for comfort right now.

Then I look at Sonia and I see a girl who’s doing something she’s passionate about; something she believes in. She doesn’t make six figures and she’s had chances to leave the company when they were going through rough times but she hasn’t. It’s a rarity to find that sort of conviction. I can’t help but be envious and only hope that she has that much faith in us. '

...

I’ve had some free time at work lately and I’ve been trying to blog but everything that I’ve typed so far has been dreary. I wish I could brighten up this blog a little. Lately it’s been a real bummer. I’m falling apart with my sprained ankle, cold and allergies. That alongside with being restless at work has put a real damper on things. I am in desperate need of a vacation.

Cancun anyone?

:)

T Dot

Jubilation
(Weezer – Beverley Hills)

We ran out of our nice scented soap in the men’s washroom about 2 weeks ago. We’ve been using this industrial soap from the warehouse ever since. It’s "industrial" soap, so I’m sure it works a lot better than the regular stuff. It’s just a little rough and grimy feeling on the touch. I’m sure that by using this, I’ve wiped away any finger prints and natural scents I have on my hands. If I were a baby bird, my mother wouldn’t be able to recognize me as her own anymore. I’d be orphaned and I’d have to fend for my own. I’d probably be eaten by a predator since I’d be flightless without the proper training. It would be a sad, sad story.

Imagine having the capability to fly but not knowing how. I guess that’s how the illiterate feel. Imagine all the things they miss out on; like my blog. That’s an even sadder story.
...

It’s the Friday before a long weekend. Usually on these Fridays, I do cartwheels in the office in jubilation (no, I’m not kidding). I’ve got a sprained ankle from a week ago, so I’ll have to hold off on the cartwheels til the next long weekend. I am quite happy today though. Our general manager has allowed the entire office to leave an hour early today for the long weekend. This is the first time in two years that he’s ever let leave early. The Gods must be shining on us today!
...

There’s a birthday party this weekend and the theme has been set to the 70’s. I’m frantically trying to find some old 70’s clothes to wear. Preferably some tight John Stockton shorts and a pair of rollerskates.
...

Have a good long weekend everyone!

The price you pay for bringing up my Chinese-Japanese-American heritage as a negative is I collect your head.

Daisy Dan - soon to be in the land of the rising sun!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding
(Babyface - Simple Days)

Congratulations to Arthur and Florence, the newlyweds. It was a great wedding even with all the weird stuff going on around it. During their ceremony and exchange of vows, we could hear through the walls next door, dishes breaking and Greek music. Apparently, there was a Greek wedding in the hall beside us and the walls were those ceiling mounted sliding partitions. Not very sound-proof. At one point during their vows, Florence laughed because of the music through the walls. Not exactly what they had planned but it definitely kept everyone awake during the ceremony. The ceremony itself wasn’t that long actually; about 30 minutes. Personally, I think that’s the way all ceremonies should be done – quick and efficient.
...

They say in order to get close to someone; you have to tell them something intimate about yourself. In return, they tell you something intimate. If you continue at it, hopefully you’ll wind up in love.

I’ll have to ask Sonia later, what it was that I said to her that made her open up to me.

I’m not normally very forthcoming with intimate details about myself. Most people would probably say the same. We all like to think we’re some sort of vault of secrets.

I’m reflective by nature, not expressive. Sometimes it’s great; other times it’s a crutch.
...

I just bought Douglas Coupland’s new book, Eleanor Rigby. Eleanor is a nice name but it reminds me a bit too much of the 70’s though. Rigby reminds me of a young white middle to upper class family that owns a cottage. So I’m guessing, this book is about the plight of being young and having too much free time on your hands; much like myself.

Like a Hurricane
(REM – Shiny Happy People)

This morning has already started on the wrong foot.

My favourite stall in the washroom had shit stains on the seat today so I had to use a different stall. Seeing how there are only 2 other guys in the office right now, it’s disturbing to know that one of them did it. They probably think I did it because I use that stall the most often. I’m not sure how you even miss a toilet bowl when you’re sitting on it unless your anus is the size of a watermelon.

I also woke up with horrible allergies. I sneezed about 10 times coming to work. My eyes look like I spent a night drinking and puking. Ahh, spring is in the air.
...

My g-ma is coming home from her year long vacation in California next week. She’s like a hurricane, if you don’t board up your room windows and doors, she’ll blow right in and re-organize your life. I love her to death though. It’s just different having her around the house again. No more empty cups and plates lying on my desk. No more unfolded laundry lying on my bed. I’m not sure if I’m ready for all this change.
...

Vi called my blog “Vietnamese Existentialism”, which is ironic since I call her blog "Vietnamese Nihilism".

Canine Love
(The Beatles - Let It Be)

The feel good story of the day...

NAIROBI, Kenya - A stray dog saved the life of a newborn baby after finding the abandoned infant in a forest and apparently carrying it across a busy road and through some barbed wire to her litter of puppies, witnesses said.

The rest of the story can be found here...Man's Best Friend...

Dogs like this shouldn't be stray, they should belong to a loving family. If you're looking for a dog, please visit your local animal shelter. There are lots of good dogs out there that need homes.

Hey…is that a bike???
(Saint Etienne – Hobart Paving)

Work has been busy. My mind has been concussed with all the focus. Focus was never a strong suit for me. I remember as a kid, my teachers would always tell my parents that I was one of the least attentive students in the class. As an honour student, I was never concerned about their assessments. Surely, this was arrogance on my part. In retrospect though, I might have been well served with a psychological assessment on ADD. This reminds me of a joke.

How many ADD people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hey…is that a bike???

I’m not even sure if that’s how the joke goes, I didn’t pay attention when it was being told.

Remember university, and how we used to procrastinate? I think that has to be a common characteristic of people with short attention spans. I remember working on essays and reports and taking 2 hour breaks in between each paragraph I wrote to play computer games. What would normally take a focussed person 5 hours to write, it would take me 12 hours. Those 12 hours would usually be from 8pm – 8am. Now I know I wasn’t the only one. In fact, I’d say a large majority of us have this tendency. So would it be safe to assume that most of us have some problems focussing? Or could it be that we’re all in professions, academic programs or environments that aren’t fully suited to our needs? Maybe it’s a little of both.

So here I am, part of the working world; up to my chin with work, and I’m blogging. You can’t really run too far from your own dispositions, can you?

Days of Future Present
(Flock of Seagulls - I Ran)

I think in order to be happy – in order to deal with the future in a correct and positive manner – one shouldn’t go around thinking life isn’t as good as it used to be. Life must be better now than it ever was before, and life is only going to become better and better in the future -- Tyler

And life is better than it has been in the past. I’ve traded a lot of cans of sorrow for a few bags of cheer and beer.
...

Sonia and I have this little game we play. We take turns poking each other in the stomach to find each other’s belly buttons. The first one to find it gets to flick the other person’s forehead with their finger. If you ever see us with red foreheads, we’ve been playing the game.

Belly buttons are odd things, aren’t they? They come in all sorts of sizes, shapes and colours. They can be high or low on your stomach. They can be innies or outties; lint-filled or lint-free. We all have them though. They’re remnants of that single point of connection between you and your mother. It’s a reminder that someone put their life on hold for 9 months, just so you could realize your own dreams.

Mother’s day is coming up, flick your mom on the forehead.
...

So I walk into work and two of my coworkers who sit next to each other, are both wearing bright orange shirts. I quickly suggest that I should sit in between them with my white shirt so that we could form a human creamsicle. I get a small sarcastic chuckle from the both of them.

My office is getting a face lift next week. We’re doing renovations to tear down walls and reorganize so that we can fit more people into the building. My new cubicle will be outside my boss’ office. Apparently, his wall will be torn down and replaced with a glass wall so that it looks less cramped. I think it’s just so he can keep an eye on me. I’ll take some new pictures of my cubicle when it’s finished.
...

Please welcome my good friend Vi to the blogging world. She needs massive psychotherapy but she’s good people (I learned this from the school of rap) and good people are hard to come by.
...

Last night I dreamt Tom Sellick was my dad and he was walking around in my dream showing everyone his circumcision scars. Every time he whipped it out, the theme song for Magnum PI would start up. I might be the one that needs psychotherapy soon.